The Shifting Rules of Civility

Navigating Europe's Unwritten Norms of Politeness

Photo by Christian Mackie

We’ve all been trained. To politely place an order in a restaurant, we say “I would like a coffee, please” or “Can I have a coffee, please?”

So, when I first moved to Spain, I would order using the literal translations: “Querría un cafe, por favor (I would like a coffee, please)” or “Puedo pedir un cafe? (Can I order a coffee?)”

But soon enough, I was made aware that I sounded strange. “Eh, it’s grammatically correct, but it’s just not natural,“ my friend said. “You’re using too many unnecessary words. Also, we’re very casual here. We use tú (the informal you) a lot. We save usted for much older people. And people of authority. If you want to sound like a native, go straight to the point. ”

“Like how?”

“Ponme un cafe, por favor (Give me a coffee, please) or Traeme un cafe, por favor (Bring me a coffee, please).”

“What?! But that sounds so . . . direct.”

“That’s the point.”

*

A typical order at the bar could be:

-Me pones un cafe, porfa. (Give me a coffee, please.)

-Vale. (Okay)

[Coffee is placed in front of you].

-Gracias [this is optional].

-Nada (casual way of saying “de nada”, nothing).

Unembellished. Transactional. It took me a while to get over how terse and impersonal these conversations sounded. For all the (many) words they use in conversation, the Spanish don’t waste any of it on transactional courtesy. I used to be on the verge of tears with how rude it seemed, but gradually, I’ve learned to soften to it. People are busy; they just want efficiency. They don’t need verbosity or exaggerated graciousness.

“Digame (Tell me)” is how they answer the phone.

“Me cobras? (Will you charge me?)” is a typical way to ask for the bill at the bar.

Throwing out a haphazard ‘Taluego (clipped version of hasta luego) without eye contact is how they leave a bar.

Casualness and directness is not seen as rude. No offense is taken.

*

I had been so accustomed to Spanish straightforwardness that when I visited the South of France, the abundance of politeness in these parts (I’m not speaking of Paris which is a whole different country in itself) caused a minor culture-shock.

I entered a shop that offered some Provencal delicacies.

-Bonjour, madame. Vous voulez goûter? (Good day, madame. Would you like to taste?), the attendant asked me.

-Oui, s’il vous plaît.

After a taste, I thanked him.

-Avec GRAND plaisir, madame (With GREAT pleasure, madame), he said with flourish and a slight nod of the head.

I almost felt the need to curtsy.

There was a lot of verbal ceremony - madame, monsieur, and the formal vous. Even people in relatively the same age bracket were addressing each other with vous. Each conversation was overflowing with courtesy that I was no longer used to. A conversation I caught at the bar went like:

-Bonsoir, monsieur. Je voudrais un champagne avec un petit glaçon, s'il vous plaît (Good evening, sir. I would like a champagne with a small piece of ice, please.)

-Comme vous voulez, madame (As you wish, madame)

[Champagne comes.]

-Voici, madame. (Here you go, madame)

-Merci beaucoup, monsieur. (Thank you very much, sir)

-Je vous en prie (a very formal You’re welcome. Literally translated to something like I beg you)

Not accustomed to this level of civility, I was captivated and charmed by the excess of words.

*

I landed in Madrid last night.

I hopped into a cab.

“Dime (Tell me),” the taxi driver said.

I gave him my address — not a word more, not a word less.

“Muy bien” and off we went.

“Ah” I thought. “Efficient use of words, and no one is offended. I am home.”

*
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